As a disclaimer, this post is going to be very much focused on me. I try not to do this (usually). I try to write objectively, informatively even. But being my first post back after very long hiatus, I’m going to take this opportunity to be a little selfish, and to share what I’m going through and what has kept me away. Also this is my blog so I’ll write about what I want thankyouverymuch. (I mean that last part in only the most loving way possible. ILY.)
I’m a firm believer that any real journey that inspires change of any kind should start with a bit of self-reflection. This, however, is usually easier said than done, mostly because there are more than a few pieces of my personality that I’d rather keep behind closed doors and not acknowledge. (This is putting it lightly. In actuality, these pieces are kept locked in the basement, chained to the furnace under the stairs.) But, unfortunately, it is these parts most of all that should be taken out and inspected under the harsh daylight of reality every once in a while.
Recently I’ve had to do this more than I’m comfortable with, because lately my life has been a very strange and unpredictable journey of weirdness.
I’ve been struggling, honestly. I’m still in the middle of a divorce that has consumed most of my brain space for the better part of the year. Yes, that’s right. I’m now a 29 year old divorce. I’ve moved out of my four bedroom house into a 900 square foot apartment. I quit my shiny new job, and got a way newer shinier job. (No, not all of these life changes have been bad!) But mostly, I’ve just been working on adjusting to this life that I never expected or planned for. The last bit is what is probably the most difficult; not being married is something I literally never planned for. Then again, I don’t think anyone goes into their fresh new marriage with a divorce backup plan in place, do they? Maybe they do – that’s what prenups are for.
Anyhow, through all of this I’ve been able to draw some neat conclusions. Mostly, that real change is stupid and hard. (Maybe not completely stupid, but sort of. And definitely hard.) I enjoy unpredictability. I like changing plans at the last minute. I’m not someone who has to do a ton of research before traveling to a new place. I got a cat one day because it felt like a good day to get a cat. (In hindsight, it was not a good day to get a cat.) I consider myself pretty adaptable and able to go with the flow. But this year has been nothing short of an earthquake that has caused enormous destruction to the life I thought I would have. And this year has been just steady ripples of the aftershock of my divorce.
I’ve learned things about myself on this journey. One of those things is that I would like to focus more clearly on building my life intentionally. I tend to slide without resistance into complacency, and I need to check myself on that. I want to make sure that I am laying the track for myself rather than just following the wind and seeing where I wind up. I lack direction sometimes, and that’s okay. But it’s something I need to work on.
But I think most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to feel weird and to not know what’s going to happen. And honestly, it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. We tend to want to protect ourselves from bad things happening to us, or do everything in our power to stay inside the comfortable bubbles we’ve taken years and years to build for ourselves. But sometimes that bubble pops, and things become intense and painful and bad very quickly. But I’ve tried really hard to embrace the bad with the good, and to be thankful for all of it. One thing I’m sure of is that more changes are on the horizon. And I’m going to do my best. And everything will be okay, even if it doesn’t go like I planned.